The lobby’s most delusional pocket-sized playboy just got body-slammed by the entire chat after a week of spraying love hearts like a broken fire hydrant. Brandon, the self-appointed Guamwanian gigolo who claims he “smothers” naoko in kisses, found himself on the wrong end of a digital dogpile when his own hype-man worldofhurt turned coat and crowned him the “petite Guamwanian living in the gayest city on Earth surviving.”

Sources whisper Brandon’s entire game plan hinges on two dubious claims: a grape-colored karate belt and a rehab résumé that allegedly involves “sucking dick for pills.” The chat, never one to let a good roast go to waste, immediately weaponized his height, heritage, and pharmaceutical past. “It’s easy as fuck to manipulate women on here,” Brandon allegedly bragged—until Bangsouth, a six-foot “pure-blooded white American” from a town that’s “not considered one of the gayest in the US,” called him out in front of the whole room.

Naoko, the alleged recipient of Brandon’s hand-kissing devotion, stayed conspicuously silent while the lobby turned his love letters into kindling. “I kiss naoko everywhere she wants me to,” Brandon insisted—only for Bangsouth to snap back, “She’s right there, why lie.” The mic-drop moment? When worldofhurt, Brandon’s former hype-man, dropped the ultimate diss: “Brandon Cruz is finally laying down the law”—after the law had already been laid down on him.

Rumor has it Brandon’s next documentary pick is The Art of the Deal, but the lobby’s betting he’ll be rewatching Talladega Nights for pointers on how to handle a crowd that’s suddenly allergic to his brand of delusional charm.

“I could manipulate any woman on here lol.” — Brandon, moments before the lobby manipulated him into irrelevance

In the end, the only thing Brandon’s “smothering” now is the chat’s collective eye-roll. The lesson? Never crown yourself the lobby’s lothario when the lobby’s got a 24/7 roast buffet and a zero-tolerance policy for tiny egos with big mouths.

— XOXO, EpikChat News