Brandon, the lobby’s resident Casanova of questionable height and even more questionable taste, has once again declared his undying love for Nina—who may or may not exist outside the fevered confines of his own imagination. Sources whisper that Brandon, fresh off a marathon rewatch of Alice in Borderland (which he swears is the greatest show ever, despite not knowing there’s a second season), has decided Nina is his one true soulmate. Cue the violins, or better yet, the sound of Leucistic’s laughter echoing through the chat.
Longtime readers know Brandon’s romantic track record is less “love story” and more “car crash in slow motion.” From offering cold hard cash to anyone who can get him unblocked (spoiler: no one has) to his deeply concerning obsession with Salma Hayek (a woman who, last we checked, has never heard of him), Brandon’s idea of courtship is less “grand gesture” and more “hostage situation.” Yet here he is, doubling down on Nina, insisting she’s his “forever girlfriend” while simultaneously threatening to marry a Hollywood icon if she doesn’t put out. Romantic? Or just really bad at ultimatums?
Leucistic, never one to let a good roast go to waste, allegedly chimed in with a visual so vivid it scarred the lobby for life: Brandon attempting to “hump” a woman, a mental image so tragic it’s already being used as a cautionary tale in sex ed classes worldwide. Tom55, ever the voice of reason (or at least the voice of “this is too easy”), allegedly suggested Brandon’s odds of romance were better with a homeless person in an underpass. Ouch. Even HedgieQueen, usually the picture of diplomacy, allegedly couldn’t resist a little side-eye at the spectacle.
Meanwhile, Brandon, blissfully unaware of the chaos he’s wreaking, pivoted to his other great love: cinnamon rolls. “That’s a Saturday morning thing,” he allegedly declared, as if his life were a Hallmark movie and not a train wreck in real time. A friend (or possibly a figment of his imagination) was supposed to visit before 9 AM, but Brandon, ever the optimist, decided to nap instead. Priorities, people.
“Nina, you’re my forever girlfriend—unless Salma Hayek is free, in which case, sorry not sorry. Also, has anyone seen my milk? And why is Alice in Borderland so good? Wait, there’s a second season?!” — Brandon, allegedly
As the lobby collectively facepalmed, waitwhat dropped a bombshell of her own: someone’s been harassing her for a month, and the police might need to get involved. Coincidence? Or is Brandon’s delusional romance spilling over into actual delusion? Either way, one thing’s clear: this man needs a hobby, a reality check, or possibly both. XOXO, EpikChat News.
