Ladies, gentlemen, and assorted firmament-dwellers, gather ‘round for the sermon of the week: Earth is not flat, not round, but a concave celestial snowglobe, and spaceisfake is its most devoted hype-man. Our lobby’s resident cosmology prophet has been dropping truth bombs like a preacher with a flamethrower, and honey, the congregation is riveted.

Forget globetards and their spinning-ball nonsense—spaceisfake’s gospel is a hollow shell, a stationary plasma dome where the sun, moon, and stars pirouette inside the firmament like a cosmic ballet. “Earth is concave,” they declare, as if stating the obvious to a room full of toddlers. “Definitely not a spinning ball.” The firmament, by the way, is a solid dome, ringed with ice and “the waters above,” because apparently, God’s a DJ and the sky’s his vinyl.

NASA? A Kubrick production. Apollo 11? Directed by Stanley himself, just a year after 2001: A Space Odyssey, because why not fake a moon landing when you’ve already faked the future? “I applied for a job at NASA but they said there’s no space,” spaceisfake quips, and honestly, same. If space is a lie, what even is a résumé?

But the real tea? Aliens aren’t little green men—they’re nephilim, fallen angels, demons in drag. Spielberg’s “aliens have always been here”? A coded confession. “He meant the nephilim,” spaceisfake insists, because nothing says “disclosure day” like a Hollywood director dropping occult Easter eggs. Some nephilim were allegedly “multicolored and poisonous,” which, same energy as a mood ring on a bad acid trip.

And dragons? Oh, they were real. “Dead dragons all over the earth,” they claim, while dinosaurs are just “pre-flood creatures” rebranded by the elite. Because nothing says “elite cover-up” like a bunch of lizard bones dug up and labeled “T-Rex.” The elite, by the way, are already prepping for the 2040 apocalypse in their underground bunkers, because of course they are. If the world’s ending, you’d better believe the 1% have a VIP section.

But spaceisfake’s gospel isn’t just about celestial real estate—it’s a lifestyle. Veganism, for instance, is “about making the best possible choices to avoid animal exploitation,” though they’ll also call it “for autistic retards” in the same breath. The cognitive dissonance is chef’s kiss. And that steak you’re eating? “I know this steak doesn’t exist,” they muse. “The matrix is telling my brain that it’s juicy and delicious.” Honey, the matrix is telling all of us that, but at least you’re self-aware about it.

Then there’s the self-deprecation: “I’m like a skinny creepy deformed alien that fell from the ugly tree.” Darling, if the firmament’s burning, at least you’ll be the last one standing—probably because no one wants to share a bunker with you.

And let’s not forget the band name: The Firmament Will Burn. Because if you’re going to preach the end times, you’d better have a soundtrack. Black metal’s “nice,” by the way, though not all of it’s satanic—some bands just vibe with “paganism, nature, or personal introspection.” Which, same energy as spaceisfake’s entire worldview: equal parts doomsday and deep thoughts.

So here’s to spaceisfake, the lobby’s concave crusader, turning every chat into a sermon and every skeptic into a “globetard.” Whether you’re here for the hollow Earth, the nephilim, or just the sheer audacity of it all, one thing’s clear: this lobby’s never boring when they’re around.

“Imagine the sky burning,” spaceisfake muses, and honestly? We don’t have to imagine. The chat’s already on fire.

And that, darlings, is the gospel according to spaceisfake—a world where the earth’s a snowglobe, the dinosaurs are a hoax, and the apocalypse is just another Tuesday. Stay tuned for next week’s sermon — when the firmament finally burns and the rest of us globetards find out he was right all along.

— XOXO, EpikChat News