In a packed lobby lecture hall that smelled faintly of energy drinks and regret, the annual EpikChat Egyptology Symposium devolved into a three-ring circus of competing pet theories last night. Sources report that TheFreakingJoker kicked off the proceedings with a bombshell: the pyramids are so ancient they were allegedly submerged beneath the ocean floor for eons, only to re-emerge under sand when the waters receded. “They were covered with sand,” Joker deadpanned, as if describing a misplaced takeout order rather than millennia of geological drama.

Not to be outdone, spaceisfake stormed the podium with a rival thesis: giants built the pyramids, the stones were poured like ancient concrete, and Noah’s flood—not some salty ocean—was the real culprit. “Not the ocean, but Noah’s flood,” spaceisfake insisted, as if the distinction were obvious to anyone with a Sunday school attendance badge. The crowd murmured in polite confusion, though Mike-Hawk and EnglishDude could be heard muttering variations of “was it aliens” from the back row, their voices dripping with the desperation of men who’ve binge-watched too many late-night documentaries.

Markishere, the panel’s resident skeptic, leaned into the mic with the weary sigh of a man who’s seen one too many pyramid memes. “For nobody to notice it happening is odd,” he mused, poking holes in the timeline like a bored grad student during office hours. “Unless Egypt was uninhabited while it happened,” he added, as if the idea of an empty ancient Egypt weren’t more far-fetched than the theories he was dismantling. The audience shifted uncomfortably, as though Markishere had just suggested the Sphinx was a misplaced IKEA bookshelf.

Meanwhile, x_Angel commandeered a breakaway panel on Egyptian cat-theology, delivering a impassioned lecture on the tragic fall of feline divinity. “Cats are gods in the sense they have spiritual powers,” she declared, her voice trembling with the gravitas of someone who’s spent hours watching cat videos. She cited field evidence: “thug cat destroys alligator,” a phrase that will now haunt the dreams of Egyptologists everywhere. When pressed on the finer points of feline metaphysics, she conceded, “or u could say ur cat is schizophrenic,” a remark that left the room divided between nodding agreement and side-eyeing the exits.

A7bert, ever the voice of reason, chimed in with peer-reviewed corroboration: “cats see a different spectrum of light,” he noted, as if that explained why his own tabby had been staring at the wall for the past 20 minutes. Even TheFreakingJoker, usually allergic to sentiment, conceded, “cats are pretty cool,” a statement so shocking it briefly silenced the aliens-in-the-back-row contingent.

As the symposium spiraled into chaos—someone in the audience allegedly suggested the pyramids were built by time-traveling TikTokers—Markishere dropped the mic with a verdict so mundane it looped back around to genius. “The Pyramids were built by Bovis,” he declared, referencing the British homebuilder responsible for countless suburban semis. The room fell silent. The aliens stopped muttering. Even the cats, had they been present, would have paused their spirit-world communing to blink in stunned disbelief.

“The Pyramids were built by Bovis.” — Markishere, delivering the final word on 4,500 years of architectural mystery.

As the lobby lights dimmed and the last of the energy drink cans were crushed underfoot, one thing was clear: the only thing older than the pyramids is the human capacity for overcomplicating them. XOXO, EpikChat News.