Astrology for Dummies

Astrology for Dummies

The study of astrology has existed since the third millennium BCE. It's been used to predict political events, wars, economic cycles and even marriages. Currently, it's widely used as a way to interpret someone's personality, life changes, and even appearance. The following guide is helpful for beginners to catch a glimpse of themselves per their birthdate:

Aries (March 21 - April 19): Being that you're represented by the ram, you're known for being a self starting narcissistic hot head. The rage that you possess should be studied by the Mayo Clinic Psychiatry and Psychology Department. You probably have an abnormally large head that matches your pestiferous attitude. Watch out for injuries that include your skull, as most people who deal with you would likely want to bash it in.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20): You're prone to being a fat ass. This sign represents the bull, which is notorious for being lazy and gluttonous up until they're pushed into aggression. Your stubbornness promotes a strong sense of entitlement. People who are born into the sign of Taurus often suffocate others due to their possessive and selfish behavior, although Taurus placements think that they're normal and down to earth. Put down the fork and hit the gym to release some of your pent up negative energy.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20): Majority of the population is tired of you being a two faced harlot. Your ability to change your personality according to the people you're around is sometimes seen as an impressive social skill to your kind, however you fail to recognize that you appear as a disingenuous person that lacks a back bone. Gemini placements are known to have long limbs, a butter face and loose lips. Perhaps listening instead of speaking will get you further in life.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22): You should stop crying every five seconds. The Cancer is ruled by the moon and also the crab, which gives an insight into the types of moods that this sign can experience most of the time. This sign also rules the chest, which gives these placements either really large or very small breasts. You're likely to either have great disdain or admiration for your mother which you eventually project onto your relationships or friendships as a form of having mommy issues.

Leo (July 23 - August 22): This sign is the most likely to go to therapy just to hear about themselves. The Leo is represented by the lion, which gives these placements a false sense of royalty. You are prone to laziness yet you have a large and fragile ego, which ultimately makes you act like a victim in many circumstances. Toxic positivity is an attitude that many Leos possess. Taking a more realistic approach to life is recommended.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22): Virgos hate themselves and the general public. The only creatures that are not subjected to their pessimistic dialogue are their pets, which is ironic because they mostly view people as rambunctious, crude animals. Virgos rule the digestive system and are represented by a virgin, so they are likely to have IBS while being horny 24/7. This placement is detail oriented and demands perfection, so they will come across as highly critical of themselves and others. The saying "misery loves company" rings true for the virgin.

Libra (September 23  - October 22): This sign is slightly less two faced than Gemini, the difference only being that they're tactful with their lies. The Libra rules the scales of the justice system, which gives this sign a false sense of entitlement and makes them notorious for their unprovoked opinions. This placement is usually known for starting drama while pretending to play the peacemaker. You are most likely known for imitating indecisiveness for attention and validation. Libras also rule the kidneys, lower back and buttocks which predispositions you to having a drinking problem while either having a very large derriere or an abnormally long back.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21): The Scorpio has a reputation for being vindictive attention seekers, although they will never admit it. Scorpios rule the genitals so they are likely to accumulate a myriad of infections and/or diseases. They also might have an abnormally large or small penis. Nobody is safe from the Scorpio's stinger, not even their loved ones. They're the type of people to hurt you before you hurt them due to their paranoia. Ironically, this behavior makes others wary of getting close to them because Scorpios demonstrate the behavior that they loathe in others.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21): Being represented by a centaur predisposes you to having large thighs and a horse face. This placement has a larger than life personality which makes up for their hidden crippling depression. Sagittarians are usually the "fun" friend of the group that secretly cries in their sleep. Projecting is their natural talent, so it's best to leave them alone when they're in a bad mood. These placements are also quick to anger but they cool down just as quickly. Being unable to recognize your faults, you often get in your own way.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19): You're the goat, literally. Being symbolized by a water goat makes you an ambitious control freak. This sign rules the knees, so be sure to have your health insurance paid up later on in life for your knee replacement surgery. Being an authoritarian by nature, you leave people feeling used by you in order to experience material gain. You care about your reputation far more than you'd like to admit and you feel no sympathy for the people you throw under the bus to make yourself look good. Regardless, Capricorns are naturally dispositioned to a hard life, so your bad behavior won't go unscathed.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18): This is the know-it-all of the zodiac. Aquarians are ruled by the ankles, so don't be surprised if this sign's ankles make their legs look like tree trunks. A person pouring out a water jug is the symbolism for this sign, which ties to them compartmentalizing emotions for a period of time and then dumping their feelings out all at once. The Aquarius will usually be a pseudo intellect that thryvs on separating themselves from the general public to appear special when in reality they're just as generic as the next person.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20): This is by far the most delusional sign. Realism does not exist to people who have this placement. Along with Leos, they have a perpetual victimhood mentality that will ultimately be their undoing. Pisces rules the feet, so don't be surprised if they DM you at 2:00am requesting photos of your manicured toes. They're represented by two fish, which feeds into the narrative of them being not only two faced but wishy washy. Finding a way to ground yourself will be helpful to not only you but the people around you who are subjected to your sporadic trauma dumping.

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