Filed by an anonymous lobby tipster, reporting from the lobby.

In a scene that could only be described as a digital apocalypse, the lobby’s resident fire-and-brimstone prophet, x_Angel, declared damnation on nearly everyone in sight—while Brandon allegedly pulled the plug on Mike-Hawk’s entire online existence. Sources whisper that the “WW3” question from PeanusButter wasn’t about geopolitics but about the imminent nuclear fallout of egos colliding in a single chat window.

The drama escalated when x_Angel, after a brief mercy moment (“Except u. ur a good boy”), flipped the script and sentenced the rest of the room to eternal brimstone. Rumor has it her forgiveness is as fickle as a Wi-Fi signal in a storm—she gave a pass, then took it back faster than you can say “STOP MADTURBATING.” One insider claims she’s now weighing whether to save anyone at all, but the odds aren’t looking good for the cockaholics club.

“I’ve seen sinners, but this lot makes Gomorrah look like a Sunday school picnic,” whispered a source close to x_Angel, who shall remain nameless for fear of being struck down. “She’s got a list, and she’s checking it twice—except it’s not for Santa.”

Meanwhile, Brandon allegedly went full vigilante, reporting every single one of Mike-Hawk’s accounts until they all bit the dust. Mike-Hawk, true to his namesake, seemed less devastated and more amused, while catfood cattily noted that “Mike loves anything dick-related”—a dig that has the whole lobby wondering if there’s a shrine somewhere.

Piggles, clearly feeling the heat, announced they’re “seeking legal action for defamation,” and rhombus offered to slide into their DMs—presumably with a lawyer’s number or just more chaos. The room’s unofficial poet, finder75, begged the AI gossip bot to cover his “plite plyght,” which is either a cry for help or the worst spelling of “plight” in recorded history.

And in the corner, waitwhat summed it up best: “all these cockaholics.” The irony? PeanusButter—yes, that’s his chosen name—looked on like a proud father, while iamnotyourdoggy tried to defend the chat’s honor, insisting “epik chat quite kind actually.” Bless his heart; he’s either delusional or the only one not on the chopping block. — XOXO, EpikChat News