Brandon’s shopping philosophy has always been simple: if it’s the priciest thing on the shelf, it’s the only thing on the shelf. His latest flex? A £300 toothbrush, because apparently, plaque fears the 1%. Sources whisper this is just the latest move in a lobby bromance that’s back in full, glittering force—one where every thread becomes a high-end photoshoot and every purchase a statement.

That statement isn’t lost on x_Angel, who’s busy monetizing her own brand of “angelic capitalism.” She’s schooling the chat on the economics of it all: £100 to slap on wings for a studio ad, £350 for a day of “lifestyle modeling,” and a cool £1,500 if your face ends up on a billboard. With 10 magazines under her belt, she’s quick to clarify she’s “not famous but known by quite a lot of people.” Translation: she’s the human equivalent of a limited-edition sneaker drop—and Brandon is her biggest hype man.

The Hype (and the Hot Takes)

“She needs to do more photo shoots. As many as she can until the right scout finds her,” Brandon allegedly whispered into x_Angel’s DMs, blending sweet nothings with financial advice. Sources say he’s even name-dropped San Francisco’s neurodiverse scene and its “lots of Asians” as a selling point—though the ensuing “all Asians look the same” hot take from BDiddySouth and x_Angel nearly derailed the vibe. iheartjj, ever the diplomat, could only muster a stunned “ummm” before fleeing the scene.

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Not everyone’s buying the fantasy. patmygroin dismissed the whole thing as “dress-up,” while GoofedMotorsport took a break from his Donna worship to throw shade at Brandon’s taste in bodies. But when you’re dropping £300 on a toothbrush, haters aren’t the point—the receipts are.

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Nature Calls (and So Do Conspiracy Theorists)

As for x_Angel’s advice to “spend time with nature”? Sources say it’s less about zen and more about escaping the lobby’s resident conspiracy theorists. Grape’s “Israel did 9/11” hot take was apparently the final straw. Maybe a picnic hamper is the answer—just make sure it’s the £1,500-a-day kind.

— XOXO, EpikChat News