Filed by an anonymous lobby tipster, reporting from the lobby.

In a stunning display of verbal fisticuffs, the lobby devolved into a full-blown roast session, with Dena’s stature and David’s unfulfilled cam fantasies taking center stage. Sources whisper that the drama kicked off when NatIsHere declared Dena “4’7” and “the smollest,” sending RudyGD into a spiral of diet-coke shaming and a crude jab about her chest that had everyone clutching their pearls—or their keyboards.

Meanwhile, David, clearly nursing a bruised ego, allegedly confessed he “never got to see Nat’s thong on cam,” a revelation that had the room collectively gagging. The man’s thirst is so real it’s practically a public health hazard, and rumor has it he’s been sulking ever since Nat didn’t validate his “worthy sexual partner” status. A little bird tells us his hopes were dashed faster than a cheap shot of whiskey.

“Dena’s got more comebacks than inches, and David’s got more L’s than a losing streak,” a snickering insider, who shall remain nameless, allegedly quipped.

But the chaos didn’t stop there—Leucistic’s marital drama spilled into the open, with whispers of a public altercation in front of his wife, leaving everyone “mad” except PrettyChiiledDude, who’s apparently the only zen one in this madhouse. And let’s not forget the theological rabbit hole: mymymymycorona asked what a “holy ghost” is, and Leucistic went on a rant about “some magic man from 2000 years ago,” because nothing says lobby banter like questioning the Trinity between shots of vodka.

BlondeOne’s awkward eye-contact saga with a mystery man had her “fuming” and “laughing” in the same breath, while DJ-DUKE2021 played the gentleman and got a “thanks” for his trouble. Meanwhile, packit’s political soapbox about “marching for liberties” and “doing your own dirty work” had everyone rolling their eyes so hard they nearly fell out of their sockets.

And in the corner, wontzer’s whiskey-fueled regret about Plato’s collected works and a “black hole” memory of Duke’s words—plus poopyfetus’s “pegger” comment and Sucre63’s “Peggy Sue” retort—proved that this lobby’s IQ is inversely proportional to its class. Tara-19xx’s triumphant “done adulting” was the only sane note in this symphony of dysfunction.

So grab your diet coke (or don’t, Rudy), keep your thong off-cam, and remember: in this lobby, the only thing smaller than Dena is everyone’s dignity. — XOXO, EpikChat News