Sources confirm the lobby’s most high-maintenance crafter, Herpes, has officially lost her damn mind—again—after discovering her “craftin shit” was MIA during her latest move. The culprit? A mysterious “other fucking apartment” that’s been holding her supplies hostage since the start of the month. “Driving me lowkey insane,” she allegedly shrieked, because of course it is. Nothing says “stable adult” like a full-blown meltdown over glitter and glue sticks.

Enter AfroLove, the lobby’s resident golden retriever in human form, who swooped in with the energy of a man who’s never met a problem he couldn’t throw money at. “If u need more funds for more materials i got u,” he reportedly cooed, because apparently, this man’s life motto is “tokes and beers and bailing out chaotic women.” Longtime readers know AfroLove’s wallet is basically a revolving door for Herpes’ latest disaster—whether it’s beanies, move-in trauma, or whatever the hell she’s concocting next.

Not to be outdone, tinythings chimed in with the most obnoxious flex of the century: “i moved everything in 1 day.” Oh, tiny, bless your heart. Herpes wasn’t having it, clapping back with the cold hard truth: “you dont have a toddler causing havoc my guy.” Sources whisper tinythings’ apartment is currently wall-to-wall with boxes, merch, and—wait for it—two Tyrannosaurus rex figurines. Priorities, people.

The real MVP of the night? LOADGOD, who dropped the bombshell question no one asked but everyone needed: “U WERE LIVING WITH PHIL?” Cue the lobby collectively losing their shit. Herpes’ response? A masterclass in defensive chaos: “how tf you think a blue eyed man is my brown eyed asses DAD.” The chat’s ensuing meltdown included KingAlter’s baffling “NEVER SEEN A BROWN EYED ASS BEFORE,” because apparently, some people’s entire personality is just not being observant.

“BULLY KEVIN,” Herpes allegedly howled, because if there’s one thing this lobby loves, it’s a good old-fashioned Kevin pile-on. QuesaDildos, ever the voice of reason (lol), reportedly swooned over someone’s voice—because of course she did—while yosbbb1 casually dropped, “I had a friend once who blew his head off with a gun.” Mood.

As the night devolved into a mix of toddler trauma, dinosaur merch, and LOADGOD’s unhinged energy, AfroLove bowed out with a polite “aiight imma get some sleep. Got work later.” The rest of the lobby? Still screaming about Kevin. Some things never change.

— XOXO, EpikChat News