It all started when snot allegedly downed a handful of mystery “gold kiwifruit pills” this morning, leaving them with a sore mouth and the lobby in chaos. The chewable supplements—described by snot as sweet but “stingy”—contain actinidain, the same protein-melting enzyme found in pineapple that famously turns tongues into “a war zone.” A little bird confirms: this is the culprit behind snot’s sudden discomfort.

The Science (Or Lack Thereof)

“Gween kiwifruit has that enzyme pineapple does,” snot claimed, though even they admitted the science might be “made up.” (A risky flex, given their history of spazzing over tequila shipments from Mum.) FarmerBendyy, ever the voice of reason (or at least the one with moonshine on standby), allegedly tried to cut the tension with a fizzy mixer, but snot doubled down—despite their mouth’s clear protest.

“Gold kiwis in pill form? That’s not a supplement, that’s a cry for help. Next they’ll be selling wasabi gummies and calling it ‘self-care.’” — FarmerBendyy, allegedly sipping something stronger than Coke

From Sore Gums to Meat Experiments

Enter ill_lli, who pivoted faster than a line cook to suggest slathering raw meat in kiwi purée. Never one to let a culinary tangent die, they reportedly began Googling kiwi marinades mid-chat, turning snot’s personal crisis into a full-blown kitchen experiment. Whether the pills contain enough actinidain to tenderize a steak—or their own gums—remains unclear, but ill_lli’s alleged meat experiment is already trending in CLUB_CHILLAX and BunnyFarm.

Threats, Shrugs, and Business as Usual

The debate reached its peak when BDiddySouth—who has, in the past, threatened to “kill tf outta” FarmerBendyy—allegedly capped the exchange with a deadpan “and I’ll kill you.” (Sources confirm this is neither the first time BDiddySouth has issued such a threat nor the first time the lobby has collectively shrugged.)

As of press time, snot’s mouth is still “hurt,” ill_lli is still marinating, and BDiddySouth is still threatening murder—business as usual. Whether this kiwi kerfuffle fades faster than last week’s tequila drama or spawns a full-blown supplement black market remains to be seen. One thing’s certain: if these pills do contain actinidain, someone’s about to learn the hard way why you don’t chew science. — XOXO, EpikChat News