Longtime readers know eurie_tarded’s dating life is less rom-com and more train wreck with a side of cheesecake—and this week, the lobby’s resident emotional eating Casanova served up another piping-hot mess of self-sabotage. Sources whisper the man who once declared, “I just wanna fuck and leave her,” is now drowning his sorrows in mom’s homemade caramel cheesecake, while simultaneously whining about his waistline. “Why am I so fat?” he allegedly moaned, as if the answer wasn’t currently melting in his mouth. Classic eurie: equal parts tragic and delicious.
Enter BeachFace, the lobby’s resident cougar-in-residence (allegedly 48 and “racking up the dick” since the Clinton administration), who took it upon herself to school our hero on the finer points of courtship. “You’ll have to feed her Olive Garden first,” she purred, because apparently, nothing says “I respect you” like unlimited breadsticks and a side of post-meal regret. eurie, ever the romantic, immediately spiraled into a fantasy of post-pasta naptime—“Olive Garden would get me all full and then I’d want to nap”—proving that his idea of foreplay involves a carb coma and a food baby.
But the real kicker? eurie’s standards. One minute, he’s pining over “her pretty smile,” the next, he’s lamenting that her “body count is quite high too—like above 40.” Sources say he “probably wouldn’t impress her,” which, given his track record of folding eggs in “plenty of butter” and admitting he’s “no chef,” might be the understatement of the century. Meanwhile, lace420 dropped the ultimate buzzkill—“don’t pmo eurie”—because nothing kills a vibe like being reminded of No Nut November looming like a Puritan ghost over the chat.
“Man, go for it,” BeachFace allegedly goaded, because someone has to be the voice of reason in this circus. But let’s be real: eurie’s dating strategy is less “swipe right” and more “swipe left on self-awareness.” Between the cheesecake, the eggs, and the Olive Garden pipe dreams, this man is one bad date away from a Lifetime movie—and we are here for it.
As for the object of his affections? She remains unnamed, but longtime readers might recall eurie’s other romantic misadventures, like the time he “supposedly” stumbled into a “huge swingers group” full of “local firemen.” (Allegedly. We’re not saying it’s true, but we’re not not saying it’s true.) Either way, if eurie wants to turn his love life around, he might want to start by putting down the cheesecake—and maybe, just maybe, stop announcing his “cheap slut” fantasies in public chat. Just a thought.
XOXO, EpikChat News