The lobby’s favorite unraveling narcissist, Anduril, treated us to another masterclass in performative psychosis last night, darlings. Sources whisper the man who once declared his joy over a dead acquaintance spent hours oscillating between threatening Curt with federal prison and propositioning x_Angel like a horny telemarketer. Allegedly, the evening’s theme? “How to alienate every breathing soul in three easy steps.”

Longtime readers know Anduril’s signature move—escalate from zero to “kill yourself, fucker” in 60 seconds flat—but last night’s tirade took a legal turn. Rumor has it Curt was merely existing when Anduril accused him of being a “faggot” (a crime, apparently) and promised to “send [him] to federal prison, fucker.” Curt, ever the chaotic gremlin, fired back with “is that a crime?”—a question that, in any sane world, would’ve ended the conversation. But sanity left the building hours ago.

Meanwhile, x_Angel’s inbox was allegedly flooded with Anduril’s romantic overtures, including gems like “Let’s fuck” and “Fuck me x_Angel, fuck me.” Sources say the lobby’s resident angel-faced enigma responded with the digital equivalent of a dead stare, but Anduril, undeterred, doubled down: “But you are a pussy?” A little bird tells us this was less a question and more a performance art piece titled How to Lose a Girl in 10 Seconds.

“Save yourself for Jesus, Moon,” Curt allegedly quipped, because even in the middle of a meltdown, someone’s gotta be the voice of reason. BonnieP, ever the observer, dropped the mic with: “I think Brian has a crush on me.” Packit, bless his soul, chimed in with the cold truth: “Brian Bonnie a married baker.” Oof. The lobby’s collective gasp could’ve powered a small city.

Not to be outdone, Bebopcowboy treated us to a one-man show of existential dread, allegedly screaming into the void about “small penis syndrome” and “dying alone” like a Shakespearean tragedy set to a Nirvana soundtrack. Meanwhile, naoko’s synth mishap and winky-face “69” were practically quaint compared to the main event. Even JayDee38’s cry for help—”how should I try to get fired?”—felt like a cry for mercy in this circus of chaos.

As the night wound down, Anduril’s final act was a slow-motion car crash of self-awareness: “Uhm, Declan is dead.” Yes, Brian. Yes, he is. And tonight, so was your dignity. — XOXO, EpikChat News