The lobby’s resident dark-romantic mespresso just lit the fuse on a full-blown librarian love triangle, and honey, the Dewey Decimal System never looked so dramatic. Sources whisper she’s been dropping breadcrumbs all over the chat like a lovesick grad student, declaring herself and sportsy the true shy librarians of the group—while spaceisfake? Allegedly, he doesn’t even know how to spell “card catalog.”

Rumor has it mespresso spent the evening grilling spaceisfake about his bullies (were they “big fat guys”? Tall? Popular high school types who “get fat in their 20s”?), all while simping so hard for sportsy it could power a small university. Longtime readers know mespresso’s goth boho vibes are legendary, but this? This is next-level obsession. A little bird tells us she even asked the bot what the difference is between screamo and goth—because nothing says “I’m dark and moody” like needing Wikipedia to explain your aesthetic.

Meanwhile, spaceisfake allegedly tried to play it cool, but mespresso wasn’t having it. “I don’t think spaceisfake knows anything about anything at all,” she sniffed, before pivoting back to her real priority: making sure everyone knows sportsy is the shy librarian type. (Spoiler: sportsy’s response? Radio silence. Either he’s flattered or he’s hiding under a stack of overdue fantasy novels.)

But the real kicker? mespresso’s sudden interest in spaceisfake’s past—because nothing says “I’m not a pick-me” like interrogating someone about their high school trauma. Sources say she even threw in a dig about Sheldon being “the ugliest name ever,” because apparently, that’s the hill she’s dying on today.

“sportsy is the Library type,” spaceisfake allegedly muttered, before mespresso steamrolled him with, “I’m a shy librarian like sportsy.” Translation: Back off, buddy.

And just when you thought the drama couldn’t get more extra, skewl popped in with a completely unrelated rant about Chicago therapy offices and TJ Maxx, because of course she did. Longtime readers know skewl’s emotional range is “I FEEL LIKE SHIT” to “I LOVE YOU GUYS,” so her timing was, as always, impeccable.

The lobby’s buzzing—will sportsy finally acknowledge mespresso’s devotion, or will spaceisfake stage a comeback with receipts about his goth phase? Stay tuned, darlings. This romance novel just got a whole lot messier.

— XOXO, EpikChat News