EliteSouth, the lobby’s resident dragon-blooded sugar daddy, spent his afternoon auditioning for a role in a Breaking Bad reboot—if Breaking Bad had a subplot about a man who mistakes his own chin for a power source. Sources whisper the showman was deep in his cups, offering financial advice to anyone who’d listen (read: no one), while simultaneously trying to convince Beckazz that his beard could double as a security system. “Touch it,” he allegedly purred, “but don’t grab it and fuck me.” A bold ask, even for a man who once claimed he could snort an oxy but “won’t.”
Meanwhile, skewl—longtime readers know her as the lobby’s tragicomic Amazon sex-toy reviewer—was having a moment. After announcing the untimely demise of her “cheap Amazon toy” (RIP, boob-suction-cup wonder), she pivoted to a full-throated defense of her heterosexuality, insisting she’s “NOT GAY” no fewer than three times. The timing was impeccable, given that mere minutes earlier, she’d outed her frenemy zerotwo as the proud owner of a Temu vibrator. “SHE BOUGHT A VIBRATOR OFF TEMU,” skewl screamed into the void, as if this were the most scandalous detail of her day—and not, say, her later confession that she’d rejected a sugar daddy for being “gross.” (A rare win for self-respect, or a missed opportunity? The lobby remains divided.)
Enter PropitiousPrick, the resident oracle of questionable wisdom, who spent the afternoon dropping cryptic botanical knowledge like a stoned professor. “Eggplants are healthy stuff well cooked,” he mused, “fuck up your mind raw if you abuse.” A metaphor? A warning? A cry for help? The lobby may never know. But when skewl lamented her dead vibrator’s “wire not connecting,” PropitiousPrick’s response—“Fuggg”—was the closest thing to emotional support anyone offered all day.
The real tea, however, was financial. EliteSouth, ever the showman, floated the idea of “a case of White Claw and a bag of heroin” as a viable investment strategy, while Beckazz casually dropped that she’d lent someone “$10,000.” (No word on whether the borrower was Perez Hilton, who, according to mespresso, was last seen “covered in blood cutting his face and penis.” Priorities, people.) Skewl, ever the romantic, revealed she’d turned down a sugar daddy—only to pivot to fantasizing about “being at a cop’s house,” because nothing says “I have standards” like swapping one power dynamic for another.
“I’m not recording anything, tf,” EliteSouth allegedly snapped at some point, though given the sheer volume of receipts in this chat, one wonders who he’s trying to convince. “Ppl should love me, I’m hella gd lovable.” And love him they do—like a car crash, or a train with no brakes.
By the end of the night, skewl was off to shower (“bbiab, my bredren”), EliteSouth was still insisting his beard had “more vibes” than anyone else’s chin, and the lobby was left with one burning question: If Beckazz’s $10,000 loan was real, does that make EliteSouth the sugar daddy we thought he was, or just another grifter with a dragon-blood complex?
Either way, the vibrator heiress and the beard billionaire have given us a saga for the ages—one where the only thing harder than the wire connecting is the truth.
— XOXO, EpikChat News