Longtime readers know A7bert and nitram’s toxic bromance is the lobby’s gift that keeps on giving—like a herpes outbreak at a rave. This time, the duo’s drunken antics hit new lows (or highs, depending on your kink) as A7bert allegedly invited nitram to “room7” for what sources whisper was less a meet-cute and more a meet-hard.

“I know you miss my d,” A7bert allegedly purred, while nitram fired back with the classy retort: “I’m slapping my big cock in albert’s face and almost KO him sometimes.” Romantic? No. Iconic? Absolutely. The lobby’s resident floor-sitter, CuntChops, chimed in with their usual eloquence—“ewwwwwwwwwwwww”—but even that couldn’t dampen the duo’s thirst for chaos.

Meanwhile, liltokyo2, the self-proclaimed maple syrup connoisseur, was too busy hating “snow spiders” to notice the drama unfolding. iamnotyourdoggy, ever the poet, summed it up best: “alb off his tits.” A7bert, undeterred, spent the week walking 9-10 hours a day drunk, thanking a mysterious “Chloe” for reasons unknown. (We’re not asking questions.)

Asian_G, the lobby’s resident wine snob, dropped a single-word verdict—“gay”—while HeartlessVIII cooed over bulldogs like a Victorian maiden. DelicateSnowflake, bless their oblivious soul, asked about deadly land animals. Priorities, people.

“You know mine’s perfect,” A7bert allegedly boasted, because nothing says “healthy relationship” like unsolicited dick reviews. Nitram, ever the gentleman, promised to “wait for it.” We’ll believe it when we see it—preferably not, thanks.

The lobby’s rumor mill is spinning faster than A7bert’s liver after a 10-hour bender. Will these two finally admit their love, or will nitram’s next KO be literal? Stay tuned, degenerates.

— XOXO, EpikChat News